- Transmen and the City
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- The Attraction Between Transmen and Gay Guys -- New York Magazine
- How to Date a Trans Guy
Transmen and the City
We were just two dudes crazy about each other. And in fact, our physiological differences added to the excitement. Indeed the very fact that I realized I could surprise myself sexually in my late 30s created a buoyancy in my attitude about getting older in general. At all. So it upsets me when Cole offers up observations like this: I understand preferences but it feels so strange to be reduced to a single body part.
I forget that some gay men find trans bodies disgusting.
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Trans bodies are works of art. Cole thinks we have to recognize just how phallocentric the gay world has been, and many men who ID as gay or bi struggle with their own issues around their penis size, look, behavior. Often their own issues are projected onto trans men who are pre- or non-operative, but it's more part of a bigger issue that affects men in general.
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Technically I am top. And by that I mean I have never been fucked in the ass. Also putting things in your butt hurts the first few times for the most part.
The Attraction Between Transmen and Gay Guys -- New York Magazine
My first boyfriend and I dated, on and off, for over eight years. And ecstasy. It was the '90s after all. My first real boy-crush was on a fellow trans guy in college. We instead had a tragic Brokeback Mountain-esque affair; he had a girlfriend he was cheating on. After that, I started with cis men, and similarly, it was usually a disaster.
After leaving college and coming back to Syracuse, I became pretty jaded by my repeated interactions with insensitive and clueless cisgender men. But my perspective has broadened. I now think about dating while trans in terms of how I treat others — in addition to how they treat me. Suddenly, with Joey, the tables were turned. I found myself having to watch what I said and apologize for cissexist comments.
As a trans person, I was not exempt.
The pivotal moment for me came on our trip to Boston. It is hard to write about, because I do not come off looking good. Drunk and messed up after giving a triggering reading at an open-mic, I said to my boyfriend, who I love dearly, that I wished he just had a big dick to fuck me, and that it was easy.
It was a drunk, misguided attempt at flirtation, believe it or not. Nevertheless, I shamed him for his body. But this situation led to many big, difficult discussions and a lot of tears. We came pretty close to the end of what had been a great, loving relationship. I had to get to know him and learn what language made him comfortable. And so it took holding two seemingly opposing truths in my head at once: I love Joey, and his body, just as he is.
How to Date a Trans Guy
And at the same time, his ideal image of his body is more sexually appealing to me. More Radical Reads: But is it really just trans people who deal with this? I just wanted him to be comfortable. Whatever changes he made, I wanted it to be for himself. And actually, Joey is attractive to me — in the present tense. And that was why I wanted to date him. It was that simple. And, with few exceptions, I treat him right, too. But this was my first real grown-up relationship.
And it matters to me a lot. Sex is hard. Both of us are also survivors of repeated sexual abuse. We both carry a ton of baggage.